Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
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[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage