Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
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My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
(more comics:
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.