When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
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Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family