You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
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broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Is fructose made with real fruct?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments