My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
You Might Also Like
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Think I pulled my liver
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer