I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
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I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
To the max.. 😂
Sound on