Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
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There’s always that one guy
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
wut hotdog?
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I have a type: disappointing
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.