•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
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Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.