I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
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Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.