Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Never forget.
m’lady
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?