Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog