The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
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THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Taliband
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
What in the hipster hell is going on here
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”