I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
You Might Also Like
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?