they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
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hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.