*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
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[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Lmao 🤣
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Broom by every window for quick escape.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?