Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
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Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning