wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
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ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Miscakes
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
the short answer to this question
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL