FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
You Might Also Like
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.