I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
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Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
When you “pspspsp” too hard
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.