Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
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BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.