I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
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You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Watermelon Boss!
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm