I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
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*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
This is a bad sign
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?