I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
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“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”