I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
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Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess