babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
You Might Also Like
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs