Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
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I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
new shirt idea
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
a badder mouse
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]