Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
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So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I am, perchance
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50