My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
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do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan