Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
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I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building