Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
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[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Yes, but it was never about money
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.