PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
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Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
somebody come look at this
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday