Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
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Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
this is how life feels
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate