my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
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Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My new favorite headline
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
the simulation is moving too fast
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”