My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
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Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!