If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
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Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My blood type is coffee.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back