As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
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watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Practicing safe sax
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Strangers have the best candy.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”