Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
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You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Think I pulled my liver
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.