Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
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7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Thursday Thought.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
same bro
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too