My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
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2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Good dog. ❤️
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback