Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
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My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”