me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
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Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.