Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
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From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Siri, fight Alexa.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards