It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
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Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Well, this explains it:
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be