Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
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Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
thanksgiving in nutshell
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers