My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
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The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Okay me first
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.