*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
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Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.