If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
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MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.