Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
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I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
also my go-to takeaway order
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.