Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
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What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”