I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
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Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round